C H A R A C T E R S
NARRATOR
BARTHOLOMEW
STUDENT ONE
PSYCHIATRIST
NEW STUDENT
WOMAN
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL
TRANQUI
ANNOUNCER
ENSEMBLE
The stage is dark. Spooky music is playing and there are odd images being projected onto the curtain. Suddenly, we hear a voice.
NARRATOR: Everyone has fears. When fears are very bad and irrational, we call them phobias. We all wish that the things we fear would just go away, and leave us in peace. Like the old saying goes, “be careful what you wish for.”
The curtain opens onto a college hallway. The stage is empty except for a man, BARTHOLOMEW, who is mopping the floor. A bell rings, and a group of students come onstage, talking and laughing.
STUDENT 1: [smugly] Hello, BARTHOLOMEW! You are doing an impeccable job at conserving the cleanliness of this university!
The rest of the stage stops in whatever position they are currently in, and the spotlight focuses on BARTHOLOMEW. BARTHOLOMEW freezes in terror, panting and sweating.
Time moves on, and all walk away, laughing, leaving BARTHOLOMEW standing there, shaking. Another bell rings, and that seems to snap BARTHOLOMEW into motion, returning to mopping, though his hands are trembling.
SCENE TWO
Curtain closes, and we see a bed and a nightstand, with the light on. BARTHOLOMEW is sitting on his bed with his head in his hands.
BARTHOLOMEW: Tomorrow will be better… tomorrow will be better… tomorrow will be better…
BARTHOLOMEW repeats this mantra some more. It starts out weakly, but becomes stronger each time he says it, until he is convinced. The light turns off, and the stage is dark.
SCENE THREE
INT. Psychiatrist’s Office, next day. Office is full of books and pictures. BARTHOLOMEW is laying on a couch. The curtain opens on a bright, cheerful room, filled with books and pictures.
NEW STUDENT:
So, Bart, what brings you here?
BARTHOLOMEW:
At work, the students tease me… I freeze up whenever they say a long word… I don’t know what’s wrong with me!
NEW STUDENT:
What do you mean, “freeze up”?
BARTHOLOMEW:
A great terror grips me by the heart, and won’t let me go. I shake and sweat. I feel like running away. I know I shouldn’t be afraid of words… but I just can’t stop it!
NEW STUDENT:
It sounds like you have hippopotomonstrosesquiPPedaliophobia.
BARTHOLOMEW begins SHAKING, beads of sweat appear on his face. A look of TERROR appears on his face.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Ee-uh-wuh…
He continues to STAMMER for a minute or so, then REGAINS COMPOSURE, still shaking.
BARTHOLOMEW:
That is the feeling. That was terrible.
NEW STUDENT:
Sorry, that was just a little… test. You have an unusual phobia. It is a fear of long words. When you here long words your body goes into a fear response - like “fight or flight”.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Oh g-god… What-t-t could-d I d-do?
NEW STUDENT:
I’m sorry, but there really isn’t anything you can do to cure it. I can give you some medicine to calm you down, but the best thing to do is to just try to avoid long words, and you’ll be fine.
BARTHOLOMEW STANDS UP, THANKS the psychiatrist, and EXITS THE ROOM, mumbling his MANTRA.
SCENE 3
INT. Science wing, college
BARTHOLOMEW is CLEANING inside a lab. He BUMPS into a table, almost spilling some SOAP.
BARTHOLOMEW:
I’m so glad that didn’t spill.
BARTHOLOMEW continues cleaning, not noticing the wire on the floor. He trips on it, knocking the soap onto a strange device.
BARTHOLOMEW:
OH NO!
The device begins to spark and make strange noises. BARTHOLOMEW gets more worried than he was before.
BARTHOLOMEW:
What’s happening?! Oh no, oh no, oh no, what am I going to do?!
The device suddenly opens up, creating a portal. The portal sucks BARTHOLOMEW and a few other things from the room in.
SCENE 4
INT. Futuristic-looking school hallway. BARTHOLOMEW is laying on the floor, he slowly gets up and looks around.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Wow…Where am I?
BARTHOLOMEW spends a few moments marveling at the beautiful hallway. The walls are all metallic and white, and all the people have beautiful, white clothing. They walk past him smiling. Some walls are displaying calming scenes.
NEW STUDENT:
Hello! Are you new here? You must be a new arrival. Here, I’ll show you to Customs.
The new student walks away, and BARTHOLOMEW follows.
INT. Customs Office
BARTHOLOMEW enters a room with the same kind of walls. There are some white beanbags on the floor, and a window like at the waiting room for the doctor. BARTHOLOMEW walks up to a person at the window.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Hello… is this Customs?
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL:
Yes, this is Customs. Please place your finger here…
A patch of the desk lights up in a fingerprint shape. BARTHOLOMEW places his index finger on it, he feels a little pain in his finger and the shape flashes green.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL:
Thank you. Please have a seat.
BARTHOLOMEW sits down in one of the beanbags.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Wow! These are so incr-
He is cut off by a small shock starting from his finger.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Ow! What was that?!
BARTHOLOMEW sits in the chair for a moment, then his beanbag lights up. He stands up, and an attractive woman in a beautiful dress comes up to him.
WOMAN:
Follow me.
The woman exits the room, with BARTHOLOMEW in tow.
They enter a simple room. White walls, ten feet by ten feet by ten feet. The corners light up, and an old man, maybe 60-ish, appears.
OLD MAN:
Hello, BARTHOLOMEW. I’ve been waiting for you.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Do I… know you?
The old man laughs, a full guffaw that lit up the room. BARTHOLOMEW smiles, feeling less nervous.
OLD MAN:
No, no, you don’t know me. You will soon, though. Soon, you will know more about this world than you ever knew about your world.
BARTHOLOMEW is visibly confused.
OLD MAN:
Oh! I’ve forgotten to introduce myself! I’m TRANQUI, and welcome to Serenia.
BARTHOLOMEW nods, but the confusion returns to his face quickly.
BARTHOLOMEW:
TRANQUI? That’s such a strange name for a man like you.
TRANQUI smiles.
TRANQUI:
I am not a man. I am a computer program, designed to keep Serenia peaceful forever. I take on this form so that I can interact with humans better.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Okay then. Say, TRANQUI, why did I get shocked before?
TRANQUI:
I have banned large words from this place. This place is an alternate dimension from where you come from, but you will find it much more to your liking. Large words slow things down, and there is always a shorter way to say things. No pseudo-scientifical jargon made to make someone else feel inferior. In fact, I have determined that it is complex and confusing communication that is the root of all human conflict.
BARTHOLOMEW felt a small pang of fear at “pseudo-scientifical”, but it dissipated quickly. He just couldn’t be scared of this nice man.
TRANQUI:
Oh! Sorry about that, BARTHOLOMEW. Of course, by now, you have figured out that I can use any words that I please.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Well, that sounds good to me. I have always had...problems with large words. A place without them is like a dream come true. How did you find out that long and complex communic...OW..talking is the problem?
TRANQUI:
Interesting question. One particular time in human history was full of complex and worrying communication. At that time humanity became very confused by this communication and, as you humans say “the wheels fell off the cart.” That time was to 2016 United States Presidential Election. It was downhill from there, until I arrived. But, it is of no matter. Let’s get you set up.
TRANQUI walks out of the room, and BARTHOLOMEW follows.
BARTHOLOMEW:
This is a better place! I have found my tomorrow.
SCENE 5
INT. New Apartment
BARTHOLOMEW:
Wow! I am going to really like it here. A free house, free clothes, free food… and no big words! This place is ama- ow!
BARTHOLOMEW is cut off by another shock.
BARTHOLOMEW:
I thought the limit was four syll- ow!.
Announcer Voice from a speaker on the wall:
TRANQUI has set the word limit to three syll..OW..parts. Please speak accord...OW. The right way.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Oh well. Maybe it won’t be so bad to stick with words with three… things.
BARTHOLOMEW exits.
INT. School again.
Everyone is speaking in choppier sentences. A lot more people are saying “ow!” in the middle of their sentences. Everyone is trying to cope with the lowered limit.
BARTHOLOMEW:
(re: student) Are you having trouble with TRANQUI’s lower limit?
Student (talking slowly and carefully):
Yes. This is difficult. I haven’t been able to have a full conv-OW! A full… talk for the whole day!
BARTHOLOMEW:
I don’t think three… things is too little. I could live with it. It isn’t too hard!
The student grumbles and walks away.
SCENE 6
INT. Apartment again.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Ah! What a perf-OW!
An unexpected shock hits BARTHOLOMEW.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Why was I sho-ow! What is go… on? Tranq-ow!
TRANQUI appears.
TRANQUI:
What seems to be the predicament, BARTHOLOMEW?
BARTHOLOMEW:
I… Can... not… speak…
TRANQUI:
I’ll take off the limit for this conversation.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Thank you! What happened?
TRANQUI:
BARTHOLOMEW, I figured it out. My purpose is to keep Serenia running. To do that, I tried a four-syllable limit on words. It reduced conflict incredibly! So, much more recently, I tried a three-syllable limit, and it did even better! I found that the simpler I make you communicate the less conflict there i.! So, I reduced it to it’s bare minimum - just one syllable. I thought you of all people would be happy.
BARTHOLOMEW:
No, you have it all wrong! How are we supposed to even converse with each other without more syllables?
TRANQUI:
Well, it seems like everyone else has figured it out. Go take a look.
And like that, TRANQUI is gone.
BARTHOLOMEW exits, and goes outside. Everyone is grunting, pointing, and acting almost primitive.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Nooooooooooooooo
Narrator:
(voice-over) BARTHOLOMEW sees the human race, now brought back down to our primitive communication. It’s too much for him. All he wanted was to have no fear, but the removal of what he feared removed the humanity out of humans. Be careful what you wish for.
NARRATOR
BARTHOLOMEW
STUDENT ONE
PSYCHIATRIST
NEW STUDENT
WOMAN
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL
TRANQUI
ANNOUNCER
ENSEMBLE
The stage is dark. Spooky music is playing and there are odd images being projected onto the curtain. Suddenly, we hear a voice.
NARRATOR: Everyone has fears. When fears are very bad and irrational, we call them phobias. We all wish that the things we fear would just go away, and leave us in peace. Like the old saying goes, “be careful what you wish for.”
The curtain opens onto a college hallway. The stage is empty except for a man, BARTHOLOMEW, who is mopping the floor. A bell rings, and a group of students come onstage, talking and laughing.
STUDENT 1: [smugly] Hello, BARTHOLOMEW! You are doing an impeccable job at conserving the cleanliness of this university!
The rest of the stage stops in whatever position they are currently in, and the spotlight focuses on BARTHOLOMEW. BARTHOLOMEW freezes in terror, panting and sweating.
Time moves on, and all walk away, laughing, leaving BARTHOLOMEW standing there, shaking. Another bell rings, and that seems to snap BARTHOLOMEW into motion, returning to mopping, though his hands are trembling.
SCENE TWO
Curtain closes, and we see a bed and a nightstand, with the light on. BARTHOLOMEW is sitting on his bed with his head in his hands.
BARTHOLOMEW: Tomorrow will be better… tomorrow will be better… tomorrow will be better…
BARTHOLOMEW repeats this mantra some more. It starts out weakly, but becomes stronger each time he says it, until he is convinced. The light turns off, and the stage is dark.
SCENE THREE
INT. Psychiatrist’s Office, next day. Office is full of books and pictures. BARTHOLOMEW is laying on a couch. The curtain opens on a bright, cheerful room, filled with books and pictures.
NEW STUDENT:
So, Bart, what brings you here?
BARTHOLOMEW:
At work, the students tease me… I freeze up whenever they say a long word… I don’t know what’s wrong with me!
NEW STUDENT:
What do you mean, “freeze up”?
BARTHOLOMEW:
A great terror grips me by the heart, and won’t let me go. I shake and sweat. I feel like running away. I know I shouldn’t be afraid of words… but I just can’t stop it!
NEW STUDENT:
It sounds like you have hippopotomonstrosesquiPPedaliophobia.
BARTHOLOMEW begins SHAKING, beads of sweat appear on his face. A look of TERROR appears on his face.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Ee-uh-wuh…
He continues to STAMMER for a minute or so, then REGAINS COMPOSURE, still shaking.
BARTHOLOMEW:
That is the feeling. That was terrible.
NEW STUDENT:
Sorry, that was just a little… test. You have an unusual phobia. It is a fear of long words. When you here long words your body goes into a fear response - like “fight or flight”.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Oh g-god… What-t-t could-d I d-do?
NEW STUDENT:
I’m sorry, but there really isn’t anything you can do to cure it. I can give you some medicine to calm you down, but the best thing to do is to just try to avoid long words, and you’ll be fine.
BARTHOLOMEW STANDS UP, THANKS the psychiatrist, and EXITS THE ROOM, mumbling his MANTRA.
SCENE 3
INT. Science wing, college
BARTHOLOMEW is CLEANING inside a lab. He BUMPS into a table, almost spilling some SOAP.
BARTHOLOMEW:
I’m so glad that didn’t spill.
BARTHOLOMEW continues cleaning, not noticing the wire on the floor. He trips on it, knocking the soap onto a strange device.
BARTHOLOMEW:
OH NO!
The device begins to spark and make strange noises. BARTHOLOMEW gets more worried than he was before.
BARTHOLOMEW:
What’s happening?! Oh no, oh no, oh no, what am I going to do?!
The device suddenly opens up, creating a portal. The portal sucks BARTHOLOMEW and a few other things from the room in.
SCENE 4
INT. Futuristic-looking school hallway. BARTHOLOMEW is laying on the floor, he slowly gets up and looks around.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Wow…Where am I?
BARTHOLOMEW spends a few moments marveling at the beautiful hallway. The walls are all metallic and white, and all the people have beautiful, white clothing. They walk past him smiling. Some walls are displaying calming scenes.
NEW STUDENT:
Hello! Are you new here? You must be a new arrival. Here, I’ll show you to Customs.
The new student walks away, and BARTHOLOMEW follows.
INT. Customs Office
BARTHOLOMEW enters a room with the same kind of walls. There are some white beanbags on the floor, and a window like at the waiting room for the doctor. BARTHOLOMEW walks up to a person at the window.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Hello… is this Customs?
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL:
Yes, this is Customs. Please place your finger here…
A patch of the desk lights up in a fingerprint shape. BARTHOLOMEW places his index finger on it, he feels a little pain in his finger and the shape flashes green.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL:
Thank you. Please have a seat.
BARTHOLOMEW sits down in one of the beanbags.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Wow! These are so incr-
He is cut off by a small shock starting from his finger.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Ow! What was that?!
BARTHOLOMEW sits in the chair for a moment, then his beanbag lights up. He stands up, and an attractive woman in a beautiful dress comes up to him.
WOMAN:
Follow me.
The woman exits the room, with BARTHOLOMEW in tow.
They enter a simple room. White walls, ten feet by ten feet by ten feet. The corners light up, and an old man, maybe 60-ish, appears.
OLD MAN:
Hello, BARTHOLOMEW. I’ve been waiting for you.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Do I… know you?
The old man laughs, a full guffaw that lit up the room. BARTHOLOMEW smiles, feeling less nervous.
OLD MAN:
No, no, you don’t know me. You will soon, though. Soon, you will know more about this world than you ever knew about your world.
BARTHOLOMEW is visibly confused.
OLD MAN:
Oh! I’ve forgotten to introduce myself! I’m TRANQUI, and welcome to Serenia.
BARTHOLOMEW nods, but the confusion returns to his face quickly.
BARTHOLOMEW:
TRANQUI? That’s such a strange name for a man like you.
TRANQUI smiles.
TRANQUI:
I am not a man. I am a computer program, designed to keep Serenia peaceful forever. I take on this form so that I can interact with humans better.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Okay then. Say, TRANQUI, why did I get shocked before?
TRANQUI:
I have banned large words from this place. This place is an alternate dimension from where you come from, but you will find it much more to your liking. Large words slow things down, and there is always a shorter way to say things. No pseudo-scientifical jargon made to make someone else feel inferior. In fact, I have determined that it is complex and confusing communication that is the root of all human conflict.
BARTHOLOMEW felt a small pang of fear at “pseudo-scientifical”, but it dissipated quickly. He just couldn’t be scared of this nice man.
TRANQUI:
Oh! Sorry about that, BARTHOLOMEW. Of course, by now, you have figured out that I can use any words that I please.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Well, that sounds good to me. I have always had...problems with large words. A place without them is like a dream come true. How did you find out that long and complex communic...OW..talking is the problem?
TRANQUI:
Interesting question. One particular time in human history was full of complex and worrying communication. At that time humanity became very confused by this communication and, as you humans say “the wheels fell off the cart.” That time was to 2016 United States Presidential Election. It was downhill from there, until I arrived. But, it is of no matter. Let’s get you set up.
TRANQUI walks out of the room, and BARTHOLOMEW follows.
BARTHOLOMEW:
This is a better place! I have found my tomorrow.
SCENE 5
INT. New Apartment
BARTHOLOMEW:
Wow! I am going to really like it here. A free house, free clothes, free food… and no big words! This place is ama- ow!
BARTHOLOMEW is cut off by another shock.
BARTHOLOMEW:
I thought the limit was four syll- ow!.
Announcer Voice from a speaker on the wall:
TRANQUI has set the word limit to three syll..OW..parts. Please speak accord...OW. The right way.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Oh well. Maybe it won’t be so bad to stick with words with three… things.
BARTHOLOMEW exits.
INT. School again.
Everyone is speaking in choppier sentences. A lot more people are saying “ow!” in the middle of their sentences. Everyone is trying to cope with the lowered limit.
BARTHOLOMEW:
(re: student) Are you having trouble with TRANQUI’s lower limit?
Student (talking slowly and carefully):
Yes. This is difficult. I haven’t been able to have a full conv-OW! A full… talk for the whole day!
BARTHOLOMEW:
I don’t think three… things is too little. I could live with it. It isn’t too hard!
The student grumbles and walks away.
SCENE 6
INT. Apartment again.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Ah! What a perf-OW!
An unexpected shock hits BARTHOLOMEW.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Why was I sho-ow! What is go… on? Tranq-ow!
TRANQUI appears.
TRANQUI:
What seems to be the predicament, BARTHOLOMEW?
BARTHOLOMEW:
I… Can... not… speak…
TRANQUI:
I’ll take off the limit for this conversation.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Thank you! What happened?
TRANQUI:
BARTHOLOMEW, I figured it out. My purpose is to keep Serenia running. To do that, I tried a four-syllable limit on words. It reduced conflict incredibly! So, much more recently, I tried a three-syllable limit, and it did even better! I found that the simpler I make you communicate the less conflict there i.! So, I reduced it to it’s bare minimum - just one syllable. I thought you of all people would be happy.
BARTHOLOMEW:
No, you have it all wrong! How are we supposed to even converse with each other without more syllables?
TRANQUI:
Well, it seems like everyone else has figured it out. Go take a look.
And like that, TRANQUI is gone.
BARTHOLOMEW exits, and goes outside. Everyone is grunting, pointing, and acting almost primitive.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Nooooooooooooooo
Narrator:
(voice-over) BARTHOLOMEW sees the human race, now brought back down to our primitive communication. It’s too much for him. All he wanted was to have no fear, but the removal of what he feared removed the humanity out of humans. Be careful what you wish for.